ACROSS THE BORDER
Where the banned are
When I go to the dentist, I pass on the anesthesia.
I transcend dental medication.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day..
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the fuck is Boris Johnson?" asked Pinocchio!!..
At dinner last night, I realised that I've lost my pizza cutter. So I used a Bryan Adams CD instead... it cuts like a knife.
Why did the man fall into the well?
He didn't see that well.
A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A silly cracker joke which made us laugh
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
The man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground says it went from Barking to Tooting in just under an hour.
My girlfriend dumped me when she found out I only had eight toes.
She is lack toes intolerant.
This isn't a joke as such, but it made me laugh when I read it.
Married sex is a bit like making risotto- always very enjoyable, but sometimes you just can't be arsed.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of champagne and downs it it one.
The no he asks for two more and downs them too.
The barman asks, "why all the champagne?"
The man said he just had his first blow job.
"So, your celebrating?"
No, the man replied. "I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
A man walks into a bar ....."Large whisky" .....downs it......."Same again".........downs it.
Barman goes "What's up there?" Guy goes " I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend"
Barman says "That's shite......next one's on me.".
So they get talking and the barman says "So what did you say?".
The guy goes "I looked her straight in the eye and said - woman, leave this house, never come back, let me never see your face again".
Barman "Quite right. What did you say to your best friend?".
"I looked him straight in the eye and said........
HOW TO HAVE SEX DURING LOCKDOWN WHILST THE KIDS ARE IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have people round,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar
That one did make me laugh!
A woman went into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack. She hasn’t realised yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I went to an Eskimo restaurant the other day. I asked the waiter what was on the menu. He replied whale meat, whale meat, whale meat, or the Vera Lynn. I asked what was the Vera Lynn? He said whale meat again....
Jokes about white sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.
Be careful (I don’t know if this is a scam or not), I've just got a text saying I've won a competition, it says I can have 250 dollars or 2 tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, It then said press 1 for the money or press 2 for the show.
My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.
I said didja redo it?
I follow a Twitter account Dad Jokes (@dadsayjokes) which I have to admit makes me laugh out loud quite often...
I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?