It’s not what one would normally open with, but life is short, and I would like to tell you: I have a bad desire. The kind that is frowned upon in certain social circles of small-town America. I do not censure this desire, but it creates a rift between me and those I come in contact with, as I must secret away a part of myself to pantomime the necessary conventions of daily life. I hope that you feel free to express your desires however you like, that you are able to “live your truth,” as those of your generation are wont to say. I do not feel it necessary to elaborate further on this point at this time. Unless you have questions, which I would be glad to answer at length.
I am also, incidentally, on fire. Perhaps you could call for help.
That is horrifically, hysterically spot-on.